I like to think of myself in general as a good person with an overwhelming desire to keep my energy and aura in a positive space. Which is why it's beyond me that the most crazy shit happens in my unassuming-just wanna live-life.
Unfortunate Event #1: My encounter with homeless people has to be exponentially higher than the average New Yorker. I think it's because I have an inviting demeanor. Not in a come hither kind of way, but a I know you had a bad break in life and I don't blame you for it- just don't eff with me way. In the past 2 months I've literally had the funniest encounters that are so weird it's too funny to be scary. First up is the man I like to call the Window Washer. The only problem? Instead of a squidgy, he tried to wash car windows with a regular mop. I was trying to hail a cab and when everyone shooed him away with their horn, he walked over to me and just started talking gibberish. Why he wanted to engage in baby talk with me is still a mystery. Then we have the Bold One. I picked up some food and was on my way home when, of course, I'm on the train with a homeless guy. He passed everyone in the train car and walked over to me and said, "Are you going to give me your food?" You see, it wasn't that he was asking for food, because I normally am more than willing to help anyone when I can, but a friend once said that I have an issue with people who have a sense of entitlement. That pretty much sums it up. Even if you are homeless, don't expect that I will give you my food because you want it and somehow deserve it. I gave him the look that said, Seriously, do I look like I don't finish any of my meals? Have a seat. Finally we have The Fighter. Now this one was funny because she was having an argument with her other personality, but looking at me. Everyone on the train thought she was talking to me when she said, "We don't have to do it right here, we can take it outside, I ain't scared of you." Again, it's all about the look- Lady, if you think I'm going to give up my good seat on the train and move from your crazy ass you got another thing coming. You and your other personality need to duke it out elsewhere. She calmed her nerves and continued her conversation away from me. And there you have it. Oh wait, how did I forget about The Rapper who spit an entire verse for me through the window at a burrito joint. I digress...
Unfortunate Event #2: Ah yes, my neighbors from hell. They were back at it again. You will have to read my previous post Fifth Times a Charm: OD's Moving Story for background. Just know they are complete lunatics! I have no problem ignoring them, but this last time was the wrong night. So, I have my girlfriends over for an impromptu house warming. 5 people altogether. Around 10:30pm ON A SATURDAY NIGHT, the super (who is smoking cancer sticks in my hallway) and one of the board members knocks on my door and says, "The neighbors downstairs are saying it's too loud and we were down there for 10 minutes and we can here you." Uh, a-duh- the walls are thin, and we live in an apartment building genius. So I proceed to tell the board member (I can no longer converse with the super after he asked if I informed the board of my "event" OF 5 PEOPLE-it's pointless to have an intellectual conversation after such statement) that I have had problems with these neighbors from the day I moved in and like I already told everyone, including the board, I'm not going to live on their schedule. If they want to go to bed at 10:30pm on a Saturday or not hear people living above them they should buy a house. Long story short, the board member agreed with me that the noise he heard was not out of the ordinary and when he went back to speak with them they wouldn't open the door. Figures. Nut jobs. I'm so over them. I'm over the super also. Not only have I asked him for a key to the new door they put in 2 MONTHS ago, I firmly believe he is friends with the people (if they are even human) downstairs. I hope they don't mind my Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD because it WILL be played the next 30 days- in addition to my morning treadmill routine- I have a cruise to prepare for! If you see anything in the news about a Brooklyn neighbor dispute showdown, you might want to check here...
Unfortunate Event #3: My Saturday night was ruined by The Obnoxious Sidekick and his Horny Dwarf. I really was enjoying my night with the girls. Despite this being the same night I had the above incident with my neighbors, we all brushed it off and continued our fun. Instead of taking our ass home after the first club, we went to what we like to call a hood spot, or ghetto for lack of better terms. Everything was going great until....Tyrone. This guy had to be 5ft tall and maybe 130 lbs soaking wet. My teeth aren't perfect, but I'm not going to be grinning in your face trying to get some play if it looks like David Beckham played a game or two in my mouth. Tyrone- he doesn't think that way. Ironically, even though he tried to talk to every single one of us, he really wasn't my problem. You know how there is always that one guy who isn't considered the "cute" one in the group, and to get attention he acts obnoxious hoping someone will think it's cute? Yeah, that would be Jason. Somehow we all ended up going to breakfast with these clowns. I am in my own world, not bothering anyone, not being anti-social, just being me, waiting for our order to arrive. But Obnoxious Sidekick basically egged Tyrone to come sit beside me, and out of his own misjudgement- touch me. Now, why did he do that? Instead of kicking his ass like I wanted to, I had to check him and his friend, which of course made me look like that girl. I absolutely hate that because I don't invite stupidity in my direction, but if I check someone on it, I'm uptight. Really? You are an over sized cornball, and your friend is a dwarfed minion. GTFOH with that. Ugh.
I think you get my point. My life! I couldn't make it up if I wanted to. And believe me, 85% of the time I wish it were make believe. Ahh, the life of OD.
Disclaimer: I apologize for my extended hiatus-again. I realize if I want this to be a success I have to keep it current so you guys willingly come back on the regular! There is no excuse this time- well there is, but I can't stand people who are full of excuses, so I won't provide one. Just know I'm back...
