What Has He Done for You Lately Dude #1
I've been living in Brooklyn for about 6 months now. Needless to say I know how the trains work: when to run for the door, when to give up and relent to being late for work, when to skip the train car with the homeless person posing as a MTA worker in the reflective vest, you know- the usual. This particular day I tried my hand at running. Late to work it is! Trying to catch my breath I hear someone call behind me, excuse me miss, excuse me. I turn around and there is this pretty cute MTA guy (legitimate worker) coming my way. He proceeds to explain how I can tell when the train is about to pull off. I didn't have the energy to tell him I knew this already, but after I thanked him he continued the conversation. Long story short, he asked for my digits. As I waited for him to pull out his cell phone, he pulls out....a pen and piece of paper? Red Flag #1- either this dude is married, has a girlfriend, or didn't pay his cell phone bill. Then he asks what I'm doing...that night. Red Flag #2. Pressed much? Don't take me to dinner, GET A EFFIN CELL PHONE! Fast forward a week later. He never called. But as luck, or punishment would have it, I see him as I take my seat on the train.
HIM: What's up?
ME: Hey, you know the usual, working, staying cool
HIM: So what happened to you?
ME:?? What do you mean? I didn't get any calls from you (I dare not say texts since landlines aren't the best texting devices)
HIM: Don't worry about it, I'll leave you alone.
ME: Okay, noted.
Dude? Seriously?! What have you done for me lately? Not a damn thing. Give your house number to another staphanger who cares!
What Has He Done for You Lately Dude #2
Whitney Houston's song "Someone For Me" literally summed up my Friday night last week.
I'm here alone on a Friday night
Waiting here beside the phone
The TV, radio, and me
Really ain't been getting along
I wish that I could find a way
To party to the break of day
And there I'd be sure to meet
The guy that would be special to me
I found him alright! My friends called me out of bed around midnight to hit the town. For those who know me, I've never been one to turn down a party, so my booty obliged as it was ready to shake a tail feather. We get to the spot, and after some absolutely wonderful Malibu Black and Grand Marnier (disclaimer: don't try this at home) I was more than willing to hit the dance floor. Just like out of a movie, or any random bar/lounge/club in NYC, this guy walks over to me. Tall, dark, and handsome. We make small talk, then go outside to exchange phone numbers. Yes, he had a cell phone. As we are talking, he mentions that he admired my pedicure and that I had nice feet. Hmm, a foot guy, OK, I can dig it. He even says he gets pedicures. Listen, I don't think there is anything wrong with a man making sure his hands and feet look presentable, so I wasn't worried about that. However, I was completely weirded out after accepting his friend request and browsing his photos to find... HE HAD A PHOTO ALBUM OF HIS PEDICURED FEET! He had a foot fetish alright. Of his own damn feet! So he called. Twice. I couldn't pick up. An hour after the last missed call I suspect I will ever receive from him, the following post (from his FB account) pops up on my home screen:
Its so simple that it is so complicated.
You have a good man showing you interest and you neglect him for another showing you reflections.
Now you are treated like what you chose, shit, all men are dogs and no good. Steups!
Sleep on the bed how you made it. No sympathy here for choosing a dog over a lion.
Long Live The King...
EKWIPOIZ!
Dude? Seriously?! What have you done for me lately? You know what, you're right, I will sleep on my bed how I made it. Without a self-foot fetish freak in it! Weirdo! Side note: He was from trinidad, so if anyone can translate 'steups' and 'EKWIPOIZ' it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
What Has He Done for You Lately Dudes #3+
This will be short and sweet. I know after a hard day's work, all you look forward to besides getting home, is getting a seat on the train. I get it. However, if the train car is 95% men, there is NO REASON, I should have to give up my seat to a disabled person so you can sit your lazy, dusty, want respect but can't give it, staring into space like you don't see that big ass walking cane in front if you, behind in a seat.
Dudes/ Seriously?! What have you done for ANYONE lately? There is no excuse. Eff chivalry. Where is the respect for yourself?! Just remember, you will get old one day, and I hope- for your sake- you qualify for access-a-ride service. If not, I'll be waiting on the Brooklyn bound 5 train just for you. Douche bags.
I know all men aren't sorry! This isn't about you. Unless you don't have a cell phone, have a self-foot fetish, or won't give up your seat to the elderly/disabled! :-)
