Papa Don't Preach

I will be honest.  I had my own moral dilemmas on writing about a preacher considering my previous blog entry was about orgasms.  However, this is related!  What else is new.  Church scandal #1,485,930 (rough estimate) and counting.  The above preacher, the one and only Reverend Cedric Miller of New Jersey, is known as the "Facebook banning preacher."  He ordered 50 church officials to delete their FB accounts or resign from their leadership positions because he believes it conjures up old flames and desires.  Before the news could be replaced with another mindless story that has no impact on the future of our country, it took an interesting and scandalous turn.  Rev. Miller apologized to his congregation for engaging in a threesome with his wife and another male church assistant.  Of course, I have issues with this whole situation.  Wrote a blog about it, like to hear it? Here it go...

First-I never feel like I have to explain myself since it is, after all, my blog.  But when it comes to touchy subjects, I like to be perfectly clear as my intentions are never to offend (on purpose).  This is not about church.  Not about organized religion.  Not about my beliefs or an attack on yours.  I don't make the news and I damn sure don't make up the news, so if you have a problem with anything written regarding this entry, take it up with Rev. Miller not me.  He can be reached at his local NJ church, or a swingers party near you.

I am not in a position of leadership or power, so I can't imagine what the pressure is like to always be perfect, or as close to it as humanly possible.  But I can imagine that it is common sense to know that you should practice what you preach-pun intended.  Otherwise the sh*t is inevitably going to hit the fan.  Like, really, what was he thinking??!  First, to turn your anger towards a social networking site as the ruler of evil is a little unrealistic don't you think?  Ok granted, people have been beaten, stalked, and even murdered over Facebook- so maybe he has a point.  BUT, to force church officials to delete or resign from their position for keeping a FB account is abuse of power, illegal even (are churches allowed to have unions?  This may be the new trend thanks to Rev. Miller).  Technology is never the problem.  It wouldn't even exist if there wasn't a person on the other end of the keyboard dictating information.  To blame FB for life's issues is complete and utter denial.  The problem is that people take social networking sites like FB, Myspace (when it was cool, and don't front- we ALL had one) so seriously, their lives revolve around posts and tweets.  I am a supporter of all social media, whether I have an account or not, but I refuse to let it ruin my life or influence my judgement of those I associate with.  If you are an asshole on FB, you're probably one in real life; but, let me be the judge of that.

Now, the scandal.  What's funny about this part is that it happened in 2003!  A newspaper was going to revisit the story since Rev. Miller made news regarding FB, which prompted all of the hoopla.  According to court documents, Miller, his wife, and the church assistant engaged in threesome's while the assistant's wife watched (and I'm sure participated-but they left that out).  My main problem with this- why did it go to court?  After it was found out that the assistant was sleeping with other female members of the church, a criminal case was filed.  WHY?  It makes no sense to have a court of law preside over infidelity unless it is during a divorce.  The case was dismissed (obviously).  I am not an expert on religion or sex (though my sister did call me Dr. Ruth after my last blog entry), but I can tell you that we are all human.  Despite your beliefs, what it takes to please you in the bedroom should not be up for judgement.  When you keep it PRIVATE.  And I literally mean in the bedroom; according to the court documents it took place on church grounds.  Even a sinner like me will never be cool with that.  Ever.

No matter how by the book (no pun intended with this one, seriously) you try to live your life, I believe that we all subconsciously sin every day.  I am neither for or against swingers, S&M, bondage, fetish, kama sutra, traditional, WHATEVER.  I don't care.  However, when you take a leadership position, you should lead by example.  And if your job is telling people to live their life a certain way and judge those who don't live it the same way, all while living it the way of the people you judge (and apparently envy since some will risk their livelihood to do it), I have a serious problem with that.  And you should too.  I'm going to leave it at that, or my post will become less and less objective because I personally know (and know people who know) how it feels to be judged based on the things we believe, despite showing our respect/love/fear for the universe and those in and beyond it.   

Fake it 'Til You Make It

The inspiration for this post came from a conversation with girlfriends at a diner in Manhattan (which will remain nameless unless #1 they pay me for the free promotion or #2 they promote my blog- for free).  It's actually a 2-parter: 1 for the ladies, and 1 for the fellas.  The even better news? We get to talk about sex!

When one woman has a problem, all women have a problem because if we haven't experienced it yet, we will.  On the flip side, if any of this has to do with a man, guys... just listen and learn.  As a result, I felt compelled to share my thoughts on a couple of subjects in terms of relationships and sex.  Do I have a man? No. Do I have sex?  None of your damn business.  Just know that I know what I'm talking about on this one, trust me. 

LADIES
The topic of the day: orgasms.  Oh yes, don't be afraid of the word.  Say it.  Internalize it. Visualize it. Do you feel it?  Nothing?  Eh, I figured as much.  There is no woman on earth that has experienced an orgasm EVERY time they have sex.  It's impossible.  Not that it can't happen every time, but that it's happened to you every time.  If you are reading this and think, 'She must not know me,' or 'I get mine every time,' or yada yada yada, then yes, I'm talking to you too.  But not now, the first step is admitting denial, and we don't have that kind of time. If you are reading this and have accepted that yes, time and again, you do not climax during sex-keep reading.  Ladies, we know that 9 times out of 10, for whatever reason, your partner will ask if you climaxed.   I don't know who told guys to do that. It's just irrational thinking to ask during, or even after it's over.  I will address that with them, but I digress.  Seriously, what are the options?  Go there, or say whatever you have to say to satisfy his ego in that moment.  ((I feel laser beams destroying this blog post as I type)). Hear me out.  I am not saying to accept or deny what's happening (or not) in the bedroom. Of course women should be satisfied, but why even go there with him? Like at that very moment?  It's just going to exhaust you, and he's already exhausted: more than likely he did climax and this conversation is going to be one-sided- he will be sleep in the next 2 minutes.  In addition, at least 1%  of the men who ask do so because the look on your face during sex said I really need to get a manicure this weekend.  The take-home message is having sex, making love, whatever you call it, is just as much a mental feeling as it is physical.  We already know it takes more muscles to frown, so turn that frown upside down, and have the discussion when the time is right, or as my friend said- neutral (meaning- clothes on).  If it really sucks that bad, get out of the relationship!  50% of marriages end in divorce, and it's not because of the kids, or the mortgage, or... it's infidelity aka S.E.X.  But I won't even go down that road, it's a whoooole other blog entry.

GENTLEMEN
Fellas, fellas, fellas, fellas!  I just don't know where to start. Well yes I do: why do you ask questions during sex!?  Not the good kind, we like those.  I mean, the kind that pretty much requires us to lie, or hurt your feelings- pick your poison (thanks for the phrase- you know who you are!).  You see that long preceding paragraph?  Do you know why I had to write that paragraph?  You guessed it.  So, what if I didn't climax, then what?  That's like me asking if I look fat in a certain outfit - there is a 50% chance or better you will lie to me.  The difference between women and men is that when we ask, we know you are going to lie.  And we are ok with it.  Because underneath the lie, your intention is for our emotional benefit.  I get it, and on behalf of women I thank you (even if they might not agree with me). However, this does not let you off the hook.  We are all adults here right; ok, so you know your girl is not going to climax EVERY time? You must?!  So why ruin the intimacy by asking something you will NEVER know the answer to.  If you are reading this and think, 'she must not know me,' or 'I make my girl climax every time,' or 'I know when my girl climaxes and when she doesn't,' or yada yada yada, then yes I'm talking to you too.  You can watch porn until your DVD has scratches on it, but that is not real life.  Those guys asking?  Yeah, they get paid good money to ask that.  Don't even try to understand.  You see, I'm on your side; I mean in terms of women telling you what you need to hear.  Think of it as reciprocity, the whole intention for emotional benefit bit.  BUT, we could eliminate all of that if you just stick to the good questions!  What you need to know: the very act of us laying with you is confirmation enough that we aim to please you.  Don't get me wrong, you better put in the work to please your partner as well.  And believe me, if it's not up to par, we will tell you- in time.  But until then, keep the bedroom talk nice and dirty.  And if your girl gives you "that "face, just say- You want me to get you a manicure this weekend Baby?  [Que fireworks and halo]

Act Like Beyonce, Think Like Steve Harvey? Don't Try This at Home.

Prelude: It never crossed my mind that I would actually turn 30 one day. And still be single.  And even worse, be the cliche single woman with a cat!?  I didn't even know it was a cliche to have a cat!  I literally ran into my NuNu at the pet store by chance because his bitch of a mother abandoned him and his siblings.  It wasn't until I was introduced to a couple for Halloween and the boyfriend was dressed as the "Cat Lady," that I realized I was a living Halloween costume.  Who knew!? Yeah, NuNu isn't the only one I have to thank for my relationship demise.

At first glance, we thanked my beloved Beyonce for making it cool to be "Single Ladies."  That is, until you listen the lyrics.  Basically she's telling us to put a ring on it!  Damn Bey, we all can't get a Jay-Z (but if Memphis Bleek is anywhere in your vicinity, please send him my way).  Then Steve Harvey came out with his book "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man."  Oh boy.  He really had us going.  I will not deny the book was a success.  However, I am going to go out on a limb and say it single-handedly destroyed the future of relationships.  Sure- there were some good points, but ladies, be honest: didn't you read it thinking, Tell me something I don't know? 

Ok seriously, Beyonce and Steve Harvey specifically are not the reason why relationships don't work.  It's this theory, even a syndrome if you will, of "I know I'm a good catch so you better put a ring on it, but not before dating me for 3 months, having a good job, taking me to meet your mama, blah blah blah."  Don't get me wrong, in time all of these things fall in to place; but there is no formula for it- and one preceding the other does not and will not guarantee you relationship bliss.  All I ask is that you take that hand and put a cranberry and vodka in it, and for the sake of returning to sanity, act like YOU.  For me, it's not working so well (ask any of my friends who are familiar with my dating history), but for you, there is hope!

Disclaimer:  I am Beyonce's #1 stan, and know the "Single Ladies" routine like no other, even having performed it on a dance floor (or 2...or 3).  So, if you even think to think this post is a diss to Beyonce-you will be sued.  As far as Steve Harvey goes, I respect the man's hustle and I'm sure if he read this he would say "She needs to read my book. And get a man." Ironically, he wouldn't be the first.